How Working with Men has Changed Me
What I've learned from two years of facilitating men's groups and retreats
Two years ago, with a full therapy practice and ongoing referrals from men seeking support, I dreamed up something new. I kept hearing similar themes in their emails and voicemails… loneliness, stuckness, anxiety in sex and relationships, bouts of depression, and disconnection. While I was used to addressing these concerns in 1-on-1 or couples therapy sessions, I kept thinking there was something more: a way for these guys to address their separation from each other by being challenged to practice caring for each other and being cared for deeply. So, with a simple format, a few clear guidelines, and the depth-oriented somatic and attachment models I’d been working with for years, I started my first weekly men’s group: Beneath the Surface.
I had reservations about working more closely with men. Early on in life, I experienced the kind of harm from men that still stings and, in my career, often corrected assumptions that I focus on “men’s work” and passed on invitations to head that direction. I wasn’t into it. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy working with men in my therapy practice. I’d had many beautiful therapeutic relationships with men over the years, though for a younger part of me, the old sting still stung. That part was still guarding for signs of the harm I grew up with, likely limiting my capacity to go as deep as I’d like to with the guys I sat with.
Though a change began many years back in my own healing journey, facilitating men’s groups and retreats has helped me notice just how hypervigilant I’d been…often scanning for red flags or danger when meeting men in day-to-day life. Now, more and more, I find myself noticing and admiring the courage, willingness, and commitment I see in men around me. In the groups, I see men stepping toward each other with open hearts and taking the emotional risk of asking for what they need to feel closer. My own belief in what men are capable of is pushing me to expand the work into organizing for peace. Years ago, it would have felt foreign to say, but now one of the places I feel most alive is in deep connection with other men.
This growing faith in men hasn’t made me less aware of the harm men can cause. According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, men made up 49% of the U.S. population but were the offenders in 75% of nonfatal violent incidents in 2023. That same year, about 88% of known homicide offenders were men, according to FBI data. Increasingly, the men and I are studying how we can change those statistics even when we are not represented within them.
Inner-Healing Work in Men’s Groups as an Act and Movement of Non-Violence
When men decide to take the risk of expressing sadness, hurt, longing, joy, and asking for deeper connection or holding a hug for longer than you’d typically see a man stay, we each take a step toward relational harmony. Our neighbors, friends, partners, children, or coworkers see us more alive. They feel us caring and know what it is to see a man cry in pain or joy. We transform the old model of stifling or drinking feelings into the possibility of intimacy. The men I know are not violent, but together we understand that every time we speak from our hearts, we make a peaceful mark that reverberates through our communities.
So what I’ve learned from sitting with men in deeply emotional, bonded spaces is this: peace is possible. I grew up watching men destroy themselves with addiction, loneliness, self-hatred, and avoidance. And I see male leaders in our world doing the same, just at different extremes. The men I now know have taught me that leaning into each other with love, kindness, and accountability is exactly what the world needs at every level of relating. I am wholeheartedly committed to continuing the work toward inner and outer peace within myself and with others. I’m so grateful I’m not alone.
Reach out to join an online men’s group or men’s retreat
No matter your location, you can join one of my online men’s groups or start a conversation about a future men’s retreat. I created men’s collective spaces to meet the need for healing in community. Too often, men find themselves feeling lonely, depressed, hopeless, and isolated in their journeys. Whether you know that experience for yourself or personally understand that growth and healing need to happen in community, you’re welcome here. Reach out to learn more about how collective men’s work can promote connection, motivation, confidence, and deeper relationships with yourself and others.